I have a phrase I’ve been repeating to friends, expressing where I am with my life right now.  I have two modes: fun, or bawling my eyes out.  It’s the most summarizing way I can explain where my head is at.  I find myself running between being as outlaid, as real and alive as I […]

Beckett came to me in a dream a few nights ago.  In it, Tyler and I returned to the hospital for the first time since December to withdraw support from him.  He had been there for a long time without either of us while we had decided what to do in the face of the report of […]

Do you remember Do you remember the feeling The one you had when you were young And existence was big before you I remember I remember days sprawled in the grass The day and a lifetime sprawled out ahead With nowhere to be and nothing to do A world full of color A world full […]

The past weekend was a ninety-percenter.  By that I mean, it was a really great weekend.  We joined some friends at the local drive in movie theater, which is one of our favorite summer activities.  Then the three of us got up together the next day, went to breakfast, followed by the farmers market, and spent […]

It seems that often people feel like they are floundering when it comes to talking to a person who has lost a child.  Many have reluctant words and troubled minds concerning the most taboo death existing in societies worldwide.  Still, I find it very silly to treat us like china dolls.  My experience thus far with […]

Less than 48 hours after I last held my son, I sat down in a funeral home to discuss our final decisions about his physical remains.  I was anxious.  And tired.  And upset.  But it had to be done and I had lived a long eight months of doing things that had to be done […]

Our kitchen faces the backyard, and it is one of my favorite places to be.  I love to cook, and some of the best simple moments in life consist of preparing something delicious with an eye out the window on the comings and goings of my little piece of the world.  Our backyard is large, […]

It has started.  Something everyone told me couldn’t happen, but the rational part of me knew would.  I am starting to forget.  I have noticed countless times during this past year that people often deny things that make them uncomfortable.  Things like a bereaved parent forgetting details about their own child.  But all the while […]

In so many ways, I have recently grown to dislike April.  I’d never preferred spring in the first place, having always been more partial to the extremes of hot summers and chilly winters.  But lately it has become particularly unlucky.  In April of 2015 I experienced a miscarriage.  And in 2016, Beckett’s diagnosis fell in […]