Written November 19th, 2017 I lost you a year ago today. That isn’t to say it is the day that you died. No, that day is close, just on the horizon, but that wasn’t what happened on November 19th, 2016. In so many ways, what did was worse. When I left your room the night […]

This storm was something else. It was fierce and amazing to behold. The sky was lighting up in all directions, a roar of rain falling, and clouds of every color were on the horizon. It surrounded me. I was driving through it, and as I did, I actually turned off the radio so that I […]

A woman’s heart is filled with love affairs. If she says she has only ever known one, she is not revealing all her truth. Perhaps she has had but one lover, but love is never so simple as that. She has loved her friends. Her children.  Animals. Landscapes. This kind of attachment can happen with a beautiful […]

I have a flash drive that contains pictures of the night that Beckett died. It’s kept in a safe in our bedroom. A primary nurse, one who always took more responsibility of our family than anyone else, came in to be there when he passed. She took photos of us as we all cried and […]

I haven’t posted in a few weeks. Last month rolled through and rampaged my life, just as I had expected it to. My birthday, Beckett’s birthday, and the Children’s Hospital Courage Classic all came within a two week period during the sizzling month of July, and I was left a little staggered. Now that some […]

Wish you were here Is seen more often than not On postcards and t-shirts On billboards above parking lots Wish you were here Said so sweet and so kind “To sit on the beach” “To relax and unwind” Wish you were here I think it everyday In a million little moments In each instant ticking […]

Twenty-eight has been rough.  The roughest.  Beckett came in to this year of my life swinging, and has changed each and every corner of me.  My mother told me shortly after his death that she was not only mourning him, but also me.  I did not disagree with her.  I died the day that Beckett […]

I just wanted to have it all. I’m not willing to give anything up. But I wanted so much else too.  I saw so many paths. I won’t lie to you. I won’t tell you the chance will come when the time is right. Or that everything makes sense in the end. Because I have […]

The first time I remember staring purposefully in to the sky, I was a small child looking at the stars. It was late at night, and the mountain air was cold. A family home in the rocky mountains afforded me the opportunity to look deep into the heavens with clear skies and quiet surroundings frequently. I […]

While I was pregnant with Beckett, I was subject to panic attacks.  On the outside, I probably just looked concerned and stoic.  But inside I was screaming.  I felt trapped and anguished.  As daunting as the situation ahead seemed, sitting in the anticipation of it seemed worse.  I carried that apprehension all the way in […]