Gasping

I just wanted to have it all.

I’m not willing to give anything up. But I wanted so much else too.  I saw so many paths.

I won’t lie to you. I won’t tell you the chance will come when the time is right. Or that everything makes sense in the end. Because I have a gut feeling that it doesn’t.

This is it.

So if I love you, I better tell you. If I need you, I better seek you out.

But I won’t. I’ll cower behind sensibility.  I’ll sip lies and spread them too. I’ll hold silence when I should instead hold my heart in my outreached hand.  A world of sweet words about one days and the best being yet to come. It aches too much to acknowledge that this is all we will ever really have. Instead we want to believe it comes together eventually. But I don’t. I can’t pretend anymore.

I must become better. Become honed by truth and honesty. I have to say it, say that now is what we truly have together. Don’t bet on days you can’t see and revelations waiting to unfold. Assume your soul can go no further. See the ledge.  Let your body see my body and know that is the closest the two wild musings thrashing inside each of us will ever come to being together.  Never to merge, only to brush. This is the one chance you will have to say the things you want to say and to touch the things you want to touch. When you go, you won’t be back. And neither will I.

Don’t believe in a world to follow. Don’t believe in a reincarnation. In alternative realities or years still to come. Believe there is a noose tightening around your neck and only a fleeting moment remaining until there is nothing beneath you feet. A snap of your spine and black. What are you going to do while you are still breathing?

Fleeting and gasping and singular.

Kiss me now. This is the only chance we’ve got.

This is the best we’ve got.

We are each entirely alone.

I wanted to tell you, before I have to go.